God's Timing and the Women That Help Me Long For Heaven

This morning I can't help but share with y'all God's faithfulness to me. A very wise woman told me a couple weeks ago that God has given me everything I need to live a faithful and righteous life. I really can't stop pondering that thought. It has given me hope throughout the days I genuinely want anything else other than to be faithful. Most of the time I want what is fleeting, what can fill, if only for an instant. BUT...

God has changed my heart this week, and it is such a thing of beauty to all that have seen the transformation. God wants to give good gifts to His children, and I am a recipient of such gifts. He has given me joy to soar on wings like eagles, faith to trust Him when I can't see around the next bend, satisfaction in His love for me, and healing in the most needy parts of my heart.

Now, I don't want you to read this and think I have anything together; the exact opposite in fact. BUT, Jesus has pulled all the needy and unattractive parts of my soul and body together and made something long-suffering, hopeful, and willing to serve. Y'ALL. This is beyond human understanding of being "good" or "happy." This is genuine joy and love from the Father, and it is so sweet.

Some staples of my healing process have been the relationships with the INCREDIBLE women God has placed in my life while living in Austin. It is amazing that I didn't know these women 14 months ago, like at all! BUT, oh how sweet they are to me now. They have sharpened me, waded with me through my mucky soul, and bear hugged me when I need someone to rejoice with. They are those that are sending me to Thailand jumping up and down and screaming my name. They are those that if I could will all the blessings in the world on them in one moment, I would. To you who have called me sister and friend, prayed for me amidst my desire for spiritual milk when you knew I needed bread, thank you. May our God greet you this day with the affection only given at a cost and may you receive it running with no time to look back.

God is beautiful and worthy of all our praise; not because we owe him, but because he invites us to and we have the ability.

 Job 1: 20b-22
 Then he fell to the ground in worship ²¹ and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.^[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.” 

 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Local Habits

Living in Austin, one gets really good at sitting in traffic. I must admit I have gotten so good at sitting in traffic that I have watched an entire TV episode on my phone hovering just behind my steering wheel. While staring out our big windows at Lick today I noticed a man sitting in traffic playing his steering wheel like a drum. I mean, he was really jammin out! I wanted to know what song was playing because I loved the moment he was in. I have those moments often, sitting in my car in traffic. When a song comes on that I just can't help but belt out and slam my hands on top of the wheel repeatedly to the beat. I love those moments (a true silver lining of living and working 20 miles apart).

I have had moments like these, determined by the place I live in. In Thailand, the last time I was there, I came to love my 20 minute walk to work. It was sometimes the highlight of my morning. I would pass the same car mechanics, the same shaggy, mangy dog that I called Benji and would have full English conversations with as we walked together, the same old woman watering her garden, squeal at the same cute street puppies that I ended up taking into my own home, the same Chinese Buddhist temple that always seemed to be under construction, the same tiny bakery operated by a woman and her mom outside their home, the same private school yard, and the same moto drivers waiting for customers. I told time by these people (if the kids were already singing the national anthem, I was late to class!) They would all smile at me, even Benji. There was beauty in the routine and awe in the hiccups in it, like this one time I almost stepped on a tiny green snake that I found out later was extremely poisonous.

There is something about being in transit and having the ability to turn off part of your brain and just observe that I find so relaxing and reflective of the care of my Savior. Even in traffic or the quiet neighborhood streets of a foreign metropolis, God is moving and working and giving things breath.

I am curious to see what routines I will fall in love with in Thailand this time around. I can't wait!

Yes. A million times, yes.

Soundtrack: "Let There Be" -Gungor

A friend recommended that I read Radical by Davis Platt. So, yesterday I picked it up and already, just one chapter in, I MUST tell of what I am convicted of and purposely choosing other than.

The first chapter entitled "Someone Worth Losing Everything For," is essentially asking, "Is Jesus worth losing everything for?" Duh. At first, I immediately think, yes, because I know it would be foolish to say no. I would have HUGE problems on my hands if I said "no." But as the chapter proceeds, I realize Jesus asked me in Matthew to give up everything, pick up my cross (y'all this is a torture/death tool), and follow him, with singleness of heart for the joy that one day I will be like/with him. Oh gosh. The reality of this is making me think my "yes" had less conviction behind it than was due. Jesus' command means I have to give up my desire to find a husband, spending a lot of my money on entertainment, and my assumption that I will have all the comforts of an American retirement. I can't follow Jesus with singleness of heart with things looming in my life such as these, that destroy my trust in Jesus, as my Provider, my Everything. Alright, so after some tears, a lot of journaling, and some confession, I came to the realization that I, indeed, am wishing a lot of the time that the path He has called me on was "other." And, now, I have come to an entirely different "yes." Jesus IS worth losing everything and here's why...

In Matthew 13, Jesus is talking to his disciples about the kingdom of Heaven, and he describes it like a man finding a treasure in a field, burying it again, and then selling all he has to buy that field. Platt did a great job of connecting me to that parable. If I had found a hidden treasure that I thought no one else has come across and it could be mine, I would run, as fast as I could to the nearest pawn shop to sell every stinkin item I owned, because I obviously knew that this treasure of great value would be more than enough for me. So, I think why I have trouble answering with a hearty "yes" to the question of "Is Jesus worth losing everything?" comes down to the fact that I forget or don't understand the depth of His value and His promises to me both now and forevermore. I also don't understand that if any action in this life has any intrinsic value other than to make me become more like Jesus, that action is MORE than worth doing. This is why I attend small group and church and meet with people over dinner that can remind me of Jesus' worth to my life, why I should run this race hard, with perseverance, and why I can't waste my life with a shut mouth and a half-believing heart.

Both at church and small group this week our time revolved around this idea of making Jesus your treasure and submitting yourself to an earthly authority because Jesus did, and we want to be more like him everyday. Having a singleness of purpose, defying the innate human reaction to put oneself first and gratifying all that will provide comfort, stabiliy, and prosperity to my life, is NOT easy. It is literally taking every ounce of my entire being to say NO to my wishing right now. But I am actively saying (out loud to myself and Jesus..in my room...right now) that I choose YOU. I choose to lose everyhting that I could ever hold dear because YOU ARE WORTH LOSING EVERYTHING.

Wait...what did I just agree to? Oh my goodness. It's so much. Lord, help my unbelief, 'cause it's gonna come...probably tomorrow when I wake up and check Facebook and wish that my life was "other." Probably when I go to work and have to serve people. Probably at the invitation to eat out just one more time. Probably...well, Jesus. You know. It's coming and yet, again, I will take up that cross and die to myself.

So, yes. A million times yes.

And here's onto chapter 2...oh dear.

Dream

For the past seven weeks, I have had the privilege of meeting with about 100 other women of all ages to rush the throne room of God and ask "What do YOU want to do with our lives?" We are taking a week at a time to talk through our people, our scars, our gifts, our passions, our places, and how each of these things fits into God's larger story of saving the world from itself and from Darkness. What a blessing these seven weeks have been! I am so thankful for my small group that has prided honesty over keeping up appearances and chiseled away my fears from God's Truth. I just finished the homework for my last class tomorrow, and I realized some great things I am taking away from "Dream", most of which were not what I thought would come of this class.

First, I was blown away by God's timing in the events of my life coupled with the start date of the class. I had signed up for the class before I had committed to returning to Thailand, before I had even had the request to return. Originally, I had signed up because my frustration with God's purpose for my life was rising higher in my soul each day and I was restless with my position in the world. (<Sidenote: My purpose and your purpose if you are in Christ is to love God and love others. How one does that and how one makes disciples is the unique journey of "Dream.">) When God blessed me with this Thai breakthrough and this new trajectory in life was placed before me, the reasons I had signed up for the class were no longer relevant. So, I came into that first Tuesday night with pretty much zero expectations except that God was going to move!

Second, I have always loved meeting with women of other ages. To see how the Holy Spirit has staked out along the road of each woman's life is remarkable. I have never been too prideful to take advice or to seek wisdom from other women because gosh! I certainly have never had it together enough to run well in this life on my own (although, I have convinced myself otherwise at many points).  So, my first night sitting in between a 40-year-old longing to meet the spiritual needs of her secular social groups in Austin and a 20-year-old International Studies major looking to change the face of poverty in the lives of orphans in India, was Cloud Nine epitomized. God is moving and is asking us to run well with Him!

Third, Jennie Allen is a gift. If you've never heard of her: go here. Not to put her up on a Christian pedestal at all, because she, like the rest of us, is juggling a lot and is on most days just a bit over the edge of crazy! I say to get to know her work because she preaches truth and has displayed how someone's gifts, passions, scars, people, and places have encountered the humbling larger story of God in such a real way to give hope to other women wanting to run well in this world. She is a gift.

Fourth, this larger story of God that I have been speaking of is straight up CRAZY! "Dream" has been looking at just one man in the Bible, Joseph. We have read and studied his gifts, his scars, his people, his passions, and his places in detail and WHAT A STORY of faith, growth, and obedience. God's purpose to SAVE MANY LIVES was accomplished in a man who began as a snotty little brother. As a part of the class, we drew a timeline of the events of the world as told by the Bible, and when we placed our approximate 70-80 year lives (give or take some years) on that timeline, we could barely see them. To literally be launched backwards, into space it felt like, to look at my place in the world was necessary. It made me realize who cares where I live or who hurt me or what is left of my body at the end of it all, because I am here for a mere breath and to run this race well is all that matters. Returning slightly closer to Earth, I completely realize the importance of using my gifts and surrounding myself with the right people and living into the gifts and scars I am given as not to waste this time, but the point of the timeline served its purpose to say "STOP WALLOWING IN DISPLEASURE AND WORK OUT THE GOOD WHERE YOU ARE NOW!" The harvest is plenty and the workers are few.

Lastly, as I look to Thailand and to my future set before me, I have been asked to dream. Given all of my gifts, all of my passions, all of my scars, all of my people, and all of my places, I am seeing that God has been ready to launch me for a while and now I am ready to run. Today is not a monumental, life-changing moment. Today is just reminding myself of Truth, that God wants to display His glory over all the Earth and He wants me to do this while loving people above myself. No big! Just kidding. BIG! The last question of my last homework for "Dream" asked me to describe how I could use all that I have have been given to display His glory and prosper people. This was my answer:

Open a space for people to relax, laugh, think, create, watch movies, cry, eat corporately, build relationships, study the Word and do life WELL in community.

For those of you that know me, respond to my dream. Encourage me and chisel away the fear of man. Share your dream and let me do the same for you.

Deets

More details!!

So, if you received a letter or have heard that I will be leaving in June...scratch that! The new date is JULY 30! I will be hanging out with some of my Bangkok friends for a few days and hope to catch my best friend from college Katie before heading down the coast to Dolphin Bay. I am scheduled to return to the States FEBRUARY 4...but given the exploratory nature of this trip and my season in life, that will most likely change.

I also found out that I will be doing much more office work than I had anticipated such as scheduling meals, reservations, small accounting tasks, etc.

Thanks for keeping up!

Second Time Around

Greetings!

For those of you that followed me last time I traveled to Thailand and for those of you that are just joining my obsession with this country, I am excited to write to you and say that I AM GOING BACK. In June, I will hopping on a few planes and stepping foot on Thai soil once more (and hopefully, many more times to come). I will be spending a week fellowshipping with my church in Bangkok, friends at the Well, friends from the bars, and others that impacted my life while I lived there two years ago. I LITERALLY COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED. There has been much jumping and squealing, as many of you can imagine me doing in your heads and you are currently laughing out loud.

Here is my official support letter:

Howdy Y’all!

Brimming with joy and smiling from ear to ear, I write to YOU to shout from deep in the heart of Texas that, “I AM MOVING TO THAILAND!” On June 19^th, I will be boarding a plane to travel back to the Land of Smiles, a country so intertwined with my heart and soul that words do not do it justice.

For six months I will be helping to run The Juniper Tree Dolphin Bay, a guesthouse for missionaries to Asia that need R&R, but do not have enough vacation time to travel to their home countries. Dolphin Bay is located 3 ½ hours south of Bangkok down the coast by car and approximately 40 minutes south of Hua Hin, a tourist destination in Thailand.

My contribution to the Juniper Tree will involve anything and everything they need me to do such as marketing, giving tours of the local beaches/attractions, helping with worship services, various office work, etc. I believe wholeheartedly that God has called me to this place to learn more about Thailand and His work being accomplished in the continent of Asia as well as my place in advancing His Kingdom with my gifts. For the past year He has been training me in hospitality, patience, and joy by serving people in the food industry here in Austin, Texas.

You mean so much to me, and I want you to partner with me in this adventure and life-long dream! I ask that if you are led to pray for me before I leave and while I am there, PLEASE DO! Beg for His provision and favor with the people I encounter and that my joy and heart to serve them would be accepted as a ministry of Christ! Pray also that my future in Thailand will be revealed to me in His timing and my trust in Him will be strengthened evermore. Please feel free to call, Facebook, e-mail, send a carrier pigeon, sail to Dolphin Bay, or follow my blog to keep in touch with me as I share joys, struggles, and pictures of my time there! Lastly, those that are in Christ are called to give boldly with a full measure of confidence that the Lord is the provider of all things. I ask that you consider contributing financially to this endeavor. The total cost of my six-month commitment is $7000, and any money raised above that amount will be contributed to the ministry of The Juniper Tree. All contributions are tax-deductible, and a receipt will be mailed to you for your records. I couldn’t do this without the support of family and friends like YOU! Here’s to faith, fulfilling the Great Commission, and life dreams! ---------

If you did not receive this letter and would like one, please comment below! Also, if you feel led to give to my trip to Thailand, you may write a check to : The Thai Christian Foundation, and mail to:

6116 N. Central Expressway, Ste 518
Dallas, Texas  75206

with a separate piece of paper indicating the funds are to go towards Summer Holeman's work with The Juniper Tree.

Check out The Juniper Tree Dolphin Bay!!!!

With anticipation and joy - - - - - 

I Miss You Until Next Time.

Hello from my home in Wheaton, Illinois. I sincerely miss you, Thailand. I sincerely miss you, The Well. Hello to all my Thai family halfway across the world. You are so missed this Friday night. 

I wanted to wrap things up the best I could from my return almost two months ago. I can't believe it! I have been in America now almost the same amount of time I was in Thailand.  Life is different, a different pace; all that was to be expected, though. I am currently enrolled in a tourism class in my Anthropology department and it has made me ask a lot of questions about my time in Thailand. Was I a tourist or was I a local? Can you be a local and not speak the language? If you have been to the tourist spots in Bangkok, are you labeled as a tourist? Did I walk away from the city with a pompous aire about me because I stayed with locals and met daily with locals? Whatever the case, I miss it and I miss being a tourist or a local or a tourcal? Haha. I don't know. 

As I sit in my room tonight, I remember all the nights that I spent with Kirsten and Kindra and I miss those two rugrats. I miss the Love Shack and our family meals and oh! Cori's omelets! I am also working at a Thai restaurant back in the States which has been a beautiful way to stay semi-connected to the culture because the family I work with is Thai and they are phenomenal people. Tonight, more than food, I am remembering the selfless attitude all of us beheld while working at the Well. I miss the attitude of giving and knowing in my soul that although it was tiring, it was so worth it! So so worth it. Life here in America is a lot about self-gratification and it is draining. Ironic, huh?

I am also working on a project with a Communication professor that involves an upcoming movie called Trade of Innocents. It is about Americans fighting to end sex trafficking in Cambodia and other countries. It was actually filmed in Bangkok about a month before I arrived. Anyways, I am entered into a marketing contest to come up with some ideas to market the movie on college campuses. It's a pretty cool way to earn credit and still get to think about the tough issues of battling such a hot topic in the media. 

Another big part of my life right now has been looking toward the future and applying for jobs--lots of applying for jobs. I am looking toward the hospitality industry and my dream would be to work in America for awhile and transfer to working in a hotel in Bangkok and maybe intersecting my love for hospitality with fighting the injustice of the sex trade. We will see!

I would appreciate prayer for my future and my last months at Wheaton. I love this place but I can feel it slipping away from me already! Pray that I embrace my last time here and I open myself up to God and don't plan so much for the future that I forget to live in his glorious present. I exist here for a reason and I want that reason to mean so much more than the future that I am not promise. 

Thank you to all who have been following the blog. Feel free to contact me at anytime! I'm not done with Thailand yet. 

Sawadee kaa!!! [bye!]